A short and sweet trip into Video Nastys  The Big Box: 'The Body Shop'.

And an equally short and sweet post!

Taters
 

Terrorists should be ashamed of themselves.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab has had people pissing themselves when they're supposed to be shitting themselves.

Umar has also earned himself the unfortunate moniker of 'the underpants bomber'. Setting fire to your cock is more weird than scary. Of course had i been on flight 253 myself i would have been howling like a monkey but that's not the point. Old fashioned terrorists tried to put up the body count as much as possible (Carlos the Jackal, the Unabomber, George W etc) Al-Quaeda seem to be trying to drown us in our own officious bureaucracy as passengers are being subjected to even more time consuming and intrusive security checks. The authorities themselves have admitted that these are largely ineffective in detecting modern explosives in small quantities. So what is the point? I think the best way to combat terrorists is by employing Air Marshalls. They don't have to have guns. A gun on a plane is just a stupid idea, I've seen Goldfinger. No i think just a double hard bastard with a cricket bat and an attitude would suffice. More of a mental bus conductor type figure, if anyone steps out of line just bonk them on the head and keep them sedated until you land.

The terrorists have also shot themselves in the foot in another way. Increased security measure make it harder for people from these 'terrorist watch list' countries to move about and according to some sources a large proportion of income for terrorist groups comes from drug smuggling, an activity which involves hiding things on planes. Increased security must be making it harder to debase the west in a much more effective way, by flooding it with cheap impure heroin.

Well done Umar all you did was drive up the cost of street drugs and burn your cock.

Beatles Cock Ring

Sometimes of an evening I like to sit in my favourite chair with a pipe of rough shag and a glass of Lidls brandy and just look at life and all its avenues and alleyways. Sometimes I meander down some some disturbing cul de sacs and wish i (i think this metaphor is getting a bit tired) had a sat nav as it would make my life easier.

One dead end I'm stuck in at the moment is the fact that we seem to be being transformed, willingly I might add into deluded celebrity obsessed automatons who sit around all day talking bollocks and waiting for someone else to worry about their map-reading in the form of the aforementioned sat-nav, health, refuse collection and entertainment. Yes yes I know Rage Against The Machine had UK Christmas number one last year but so fucking what? Lady Gaga was straight back afterwards with some autotuned fizzy karaoke and a stupid hat before anyone had any time to fuck anyone let alone do what they were told t. Nerds love sticking it to the man but what if you, a nerd could actually join Rage rand stick it to the man in front of thousands of cheering fans and you don't even have to learn the guitar. No, Sadly Rage aren't looking for someone to sort out their Ubuntu Macbook Pros (they would so use Ubuntu Macbook Pros) but their song 'Bulls On Parade' feature in the plasticy waste of time that is Rock Band. So what its a just a bit of fun you might think but misguided parents buy this thing thinking it will teach the apple of their eye how to play the guitar like ringing a bell. It doesn't. You just have to get fucked and the do as your told as you press the right coloured button as it flashes up on the screen.

Guitar Hero, Rock band and the like are if your not aware, computer games that let you 'play along' with you fave bands by pushing buttons in time with the music. The most expensive and paradoxically most shit of all is Beatles Rock Band. Amazon offer this for a fairly hefty 109.99 quid (was 179.99) That's enough money for a pretty decent second hand guitar and amp. But that might take effort to learn and there's a very slim chance you won't become a millionaire overnight. Much easier to splash out on this and then fantasise you are actually in the Beatles. You are the dude, dude.

So what exactly do you get for your money? Well hold onto your cocks while we look in the box.

• The Beatles: Rock Band software

Basically this is an DVD of some creepy CGI effigys of the Fab Four acending the ladder 'o' fame one song at a time. From what i could tolerate to glean of the demo setup they had in my local Game the accompanying graphics for the songs represent different points in the bands career. Presumably the game ends with you wanking your way through 'the Long and Winding Road' whilst a CGI Yoko Ono hangs around your flat spending your money and pissing your mates off.

• Höfner Bass controller: Large scale replica of the Bass famously used by Sir Paul McCartney

A plastic bass guitar, with buttons on it . The bass is the only replica instrument provided with this particular bundle and you will need two more guitar controllers to play probably. You can use the old rock band controllers but the truly supercool can fork out 89.99 quid times two for two more Beatles replica instruments for 'John' and 'George'. You wouldn't want to look silly now would you? Remember these things make no sound and are compatible with nothing else.

• Beatles-inspired and Ludwig-branded Rock Band 2 drums with classic pearl finish and vintage replica Beatles kick drum head

This is actually pretty cool and although I would love to produce one long solid stool of an article i'm afraid this bit works quite well.

• Microphone

A microphone to sing into. of course you are encouraged to buy another two so you can belt out 'Revolution' with two of your least musical mates in your living room. An act that would bring shame and revulsion to even the strongest willed passer by. On balance it is actually a real USB mic that you could theoretically use to produce a podcast about how great Beatles Rock Band is and what an arse i am for thinking otherwise.

• Microphone Stand

A plasticy mic stand

• Additional special content

Hallucinogenic drugs to make you believe you are actually doing something creative and worthwhile. Probably

Now i like a bit of karaoke I'll admit, but in its correct time and place, i.e a pub with cheap drinks and a sense of humour. I'm not suggesting we all have to gather around the old Joanna singing songs about landlords daughters and eating pickled eggs. I just think the important thing about singing or playing an instrument is that you enjoy it and you don't have to be the next big thing to get pleasure from it.

Of course there's always air guitar, I can play that like a fucking riot and its free AND you don't have to wait for the add ons, awesome.

MySpace User Poll

Well would you look at that. Theyre cleaning the internet up one blog at a time. I was led to believe by the media that the internet was mainly a wrihing hive of sin and deviance. This screen shot surely proves that chat room 'grooming' is a thing of the past.

Sadly i think its too little too late. We all know Bebo is the place for old guys in (with?) macs.

bleeding windy day

Last morning was extremely windy. I filmed some of it on my fone.

Music by jginga.

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dogging in space

Holy cow, i havn't been updating this rubbish much. Not at all in 2007 in fact. I blame myself really.
anyway in order to haul myself back from the brink of suicide here's a picture of a russian dog in space..