Sherri Moon

Darlene, don't take your mum to town...

I remember when i was about 10, I had a massive crush on Darlene from Roseanne. There was something about that dusky lesbian in a check shirt and levi's 501s that stirred somthing in me. Maybe it was the dry sense of humour, or the bubble perm but whatever it was it showed me that redneck girs rock, this has stuck with me until now.
It started off fairly innocently, a little dolly parton a little Coors, daisy duke playing pool with some drunk trucker from reno, then whuppin his ass when he grabs her arse as she takes a shot.
Before too long i was drinking JD with Christina Aguilera, drink driving my way across the south with some stolen credit cards and big sunglasses.
These days i'm too busy taking pot shots at the local god botherers and livestock with Sherri Moon and Gauge to be bothered to watch Roseanne. We make our own moonshine and place bets on how many BBQ chitlins cousin earl can eat without hurling. It's a simple life, we mostly just spend our days kickin round in the yard, makin' out an inbreedin. I don't got no teevee but y'all know that Darlene's still hotter than fire ant juice in the vaseline. And remember, as my uncle Silas used to say 'Northern girls tease but southern girls please' *hyuk*

The Porg Conspiracy...

If anyone needed any artwork done for their death-metal band , RPG, horror movie, backdrop etc I reckon they'd do a lot worse than giving Ben a call, check out his website ThePorg.org
for a butchers into his odd brain.

I met this bloke on the train today. He said his name was Dave. I was slightly suspicous of him at first. I'm always slightly wary of alliteration.

Dave reckoned he'd had the worst new years eve of his life. His bitch, Bonnie had promised him a new years eve to remember. she was a choosy kind of gal, not the type to fetch the stick on the first date if you get my drift. Anyway, Dave had been looking forward to this for months, he'd had a bath, got his teeth nice and shiny he'd even got himself wormed for the occasion. Anyway a couple of days ago Dave was just getting ready to go outside and bark at something when his master says to him,

'Walkies! C'mon Dave, back of the car!'

Dave's like, "great! A nice long christmas walk in the country!" How wrong he was. Before too long he realises they're not on the A1-whatever out of town and he's like, "hey this ain't the A1-whatever out of town!" Before too long his master parks his Volvo up outside this really grey, imposing looking building right , Dave's like "where the hell's this, this ain't the countryside!" He gets inside and there's this old lady, she smiles at him and says he's a good boy. Patronising i know but Dave says you get used to it when you're a dog. Next he's in this little green room with this friendly looking guy in a white coat.

Dave opens his eyes, he felt like shit. remembers being carried out to the volvo and feeling even worse. the car journey home was a blur and the next thing he knows he's on his bed dozing like and old man after medication time.

Dave wakes up, he's got this pain you know, in his balls, he looks down and sees he don't have no balls, He's been neutered, spayed, sterilised his bollocks had been removed. Dave felt sick you know, he'd heard storys about his happening but...

Bonnie!

Needless to say she wasn't interested, within two days she'd hooked up with one of Daves mates Sammy, the Spaniel from the darts team. Slimy bastard, he'd been hovering around like a lawyer at a train crash for weeks waiting to get his teeth into Bonnie.

Anyway here was Dave, on the train down to Brighton still clutching the chocolates he'd bought for Bonnie. His plan was to start a flea-circus, always a puppyhood dream of his. He said it was handy since he'd never had fleas until recently. although, come to think of it, that Sammy, he was always scratching himself.

Fackin Christmuz...

Ok well looking at my calender I reckon its about time for a seasonal rant about the commercial fiasco that is Christmas. Thats what you'd think, but despite what you might have heard i do have an original bone in my body and i'm well aware that every two bit tv-guide hack and blogger is going to be on this one this week. So here's a picture of an incredibly cute squirrel instead.

Oh my god look at it's EARS for fux sake!

Aside from typing swear words in Google images and seeing what comes up (see below for my fave) I've been getting in the festive spirit by watching ludicrous amounts of daytime tv and drinking brandy coffee for breakfast. this is of course to avoid the horrors of town (here in Maidenhead this week) which is bloody awful at the best of times let alone at this time of year. and the warming properties of brandy make Fern and Phillip even better!

Merry Fackin' Chriztmuz!

..

Some old photos of Brighton...

The palace pier.

The west pier in a storm.

A Nouveau postcard

Some 70s wronguns smashing a piano on the level.

Playmobil Jakey!

I swear on my grave this is real! I'm sure i would have greatly benefitted of playing with more alcoholics as a child (excluding family members of course).

I love the way the copper's evicting the poor bastard with a sword! He may be a Prussian officer engaged in a little ethnic cleansing i suppose.

I have not managed to write this blog for some time as i have been resigned to using internet cafes and the hallowed eaves of brighton uni, formally polytechnic, for my internet access. Also i have better things to do that write crap on the interweb. I can't remember what hese things are right now but i'm sure thay wil come. I can't imagine that any readers will give an enormous fuck about this but i feel i should be making more of an effort.

Anyway grovelling aside if anyone can come up with any other bizarre toys, Duplo hoookers, Lego crackheads or anything, keep it to yourself eh.

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