A short and sweet trip into Video Nastys  The Big Box: 'The Body Shop'.

And an equally short and sweet post!

Taters
 

Terrorists should be ashamed of themselves.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab has had people pissing themselves when they're supposed to be shitting themselves.

Umar has also earned himself the unfortunate moniker of 'the underpants bomber'. Setting fire to your cock is more weird than scary. Of course had i been on flight 253 myself i would have been howling like a monkey but that's not the point. Old fashioned terrorists tried to put up the body count as much as possible (Carlos the Jackal, the Unabomber, George W etc) Al-Quaeda seem to be trying to drown us in our own officious bureaucracy as passengers are being subjected to even more time consuming and intrusive security checks. The authorities themselves have admitted that these are largely ineffective in detecting modern explosives in small quantities. So what is the point? I think the best way to combat terrorists is by employing Air Marshalls. They don't have to have guns. A gun on a plane is just a stupid idea, I've seen Goldfinger. No i think just a double hard bastard with a cricket bat and an attitude would suffice. More of a mental bus conductor type figure, if anyone steps out of line just bonk them on the head and keep them sedated until you land.

The terrorists have also shot themselves in the foot in another way. Increased security measure make it harder for people from these 'terrorist watch list' countries to move about and according to some sources a large proportion of income for terrorist groups comes from drug smuggling, an activity which involves hiding things on planes. Increased security must be making it harder to debase the west in a much more effective way, by flooding it with cheap impure heroin.

Well done Umar all you did was drive up the cost of street drugs and burn your cock.

Beatles Cock Ring

Sometimes of an evening I like to sit in my favourite chair with a pipe of rough shag and a glass of Lidls brandy and just look at life and all its avenues and alleyways. Sometimes I meander down some some disturbing cul de sacs and wish i (i think this metaphor is getting a bit tired) had a sat nav as it would make my life easier.

One dead end I'm stuck in at the moment is the fact that we seem to be being transformed, willingly I might add into deluded celebrity obsessed automatons who sit around all day talking bollocks and waiting for someone else to worry about their map-reading in the form of the aforementioned sat-nav, health, refuse collection and entertainment. Yes yes I know Rage Against The Machine had UK Christmas number one last year but so fucking what? Lady Gaga was straight back afterwards with some autotuned fizzy karaoke and a stupid hat before anyone had any time to fuck anyone let alone do what they were told t. Nerds love sticking it to the man but what if you, a nerd could actually join Rage rand stick it to the man in front of thousands of cheering fans and you don't even have to learn the guitar. No, Sadly Rage aren't looking for someone to sort out their Ubuntu Macbook Pros (they would so use Ubuntu Macbook Pros) but their song 'Bulls On Parade' feature in the plasticy waste of time that is Rock Band. So what its a just a bit of fun you might think but misguided parents buy this thing thinking it will teach the apple of their eye how to play the guitar like ringing a bell. It doesn't. You just have to get fucked and the do as your told as you press the right coloured button as it flashes up on the screen.

Guitar Hero, Rock band and the like are if your not aware, computer games that let you 'play along' with you fave bands by pushing buttons in time with the music. The most expensive and paradoxically most shit of all is Beatles Rock Band. Amazon offer this for a fairly hefty 109.99 quid (was 179.99) That's enough money for a pretty decent second hand guitar and amp. But that might take effort to learn and there's a very slim chance you won't become a millionaire overnight. Much easier to splash out on this and then fantasise you are actually in the Beatles. You are the dude, dude.

So what exactly do you get for your money? Well hold onto your cocks while we look in the box.

• The Beatles: Rock Band software

Basically this is an DVD of some creepy CGI effigys of the Fab Four acending the ladder 'o' fame one song at a time. From what i could tolerate to glean of the demo setup they had in my local Game the accompanying graphics for the songs represent different points in the bands career. Presumably the game ends with you wanking your way through 'the Long and Winding Road' whilst a CGI Yoko Ono hangs around your flat spending your money and pissing your mates off.

• Höfner Bass controller: Large scale replica of the Bass famously used by Sir Paul McCartney

A plastic bass guitar, with buttons on it . The bass is the only replica instrument provided with this particular bundle and you will need two more guitar controllers to play probably. You can use the old rock band controllers but the truly supercool can fork out 89.99 quid times two for two more Beatles replica instruments for 'John' and 'George'. You wouldn't want to look silly now would you? Remember these things make no sound and are compatible with nothing else.

• Beatles-inspired and Ludwig-branded Rock Band 2 drums with classic pearl finish and vintage replica Beatles kick drum head

This is actually pretty cool and although I would love to produce one long solid stool of an article i'm afraid this bit works quite well.

• Microphone

A microphone to sing into. of course you are encouraged to buy another two so you can belt out 'Revolution' with two of your least musical mates in your living room. An act that would bring shame and revulsion to even the strongest willed passer by. On balance it is actually a real USB mic that you could theoretically use to produce a podcast about how great Beatles Rock Band is and what an arse i am for thinking otherwise.

• Microphone Stand

A plasticy mic stand

• Additional special content

Hallucinogenic drugs to make you believe you are actually doing something creative and worthwhile. Probably

Now i like a bit of karaoke I'll admit, but in its correct time and place, i.e a pub with cheap drinks and a sense of humour. I'm not suggesting we all have to gather around the old Joanna singing songs about landlords daughters and eating pickled eggs. I just think the important thing about singing or playing an instrument is that you enjoy it and you don't have to be the next big thing to get pleasure from it.

Of course there's always air guitar, I can play that like a fucking riot and its free AND you don't have to wait for the add ons, awesome.

MySpace User Poll

Well would you look at that. Theyre cleaning the internet up one blog at a time. I was led to believe by the media that the internet was mainly a wrihing hive of sin and deviance. This screen shot surely proves that chat room 'grooming' is a thing of the past.

Sadly i think its too little too late. We all know Bebo is the place for old guys in (with?) macs.

bleeding windy day

Last morning was extremely windy. I filmed some of it on my fone.

Music by jginga.

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dogging in space

Holy cow, i havn't been updating this rubbish much. Not at all in 2007 in fact. I blame myself really.
anyway in order to haul myself back from the brink of suicide here's a picture of a russian dog in space..

it's MY fuckin' space, slag...

Yo dudes like check your bad selves to the massive.

word up y'all

you may be wondring why i'm acting so cool to day well i can tell you i've just gott my own my space yes yes yes i've joined the international superweb proper like believe! Actually between u me and the gatepost i think their blog stuff if not as good as this so there. You can check me out as well as my blood brother and confidant MC Poirot check him out.

nice

smell u later

the chicken has declared jihaad on us all!..

This is the ( i think) genuinely catchy theme to troma 'poultrygiest'

Oh well stupid o clock again!

The red lightbulb of justice...

click here to visit the blog of underground folk-core jazz faced freeform piss artists blog!

wha-what- whaat!..

Bollocks! I must have drifted off for the last lovely bit of the winter! Aah well, i've missed out the last few gruelling months o winter. What a shame. I've emerged bright tailed and bushy faced, ready to summer it up like a bad boy! Why not download some lovely full lenngth mixes from the legendery http://www.tribeofmunt.co.uk/Music/Music.htm they have both kind of music, hardcore and techno.

I am in two minds whether to go the czech this year. You thoughts, yay or nay would be nice on the comments board. I dont haver much of a mind and i am extremely impressional, not to mention gullible. Anyway i'll post all the shit wot i dun on 'yere.
x

Tubular Balls...

i've been doing well eating the governments recomended 5 pieces of fruit and veg a day. I've had to give up eating bananas on the tube though, i'm a bit worried about being blown away by some met officer who thinks he's clint eastwood, "is that thing loaded son?". Also i deliver boxed, wind up ticking alarm clocks wrapped in brown paper for a living ad i dont want to complicate things any more.

The tube is a great place to catch up on some reading, just the walls will take up most of you journey time and if thats not enough you can always read half a metro or the propery section of the evening standard. did the underground of the late nineteenth century have 'tiny tim' scratched on the window?

One does find oneself asking the age old question, "is this a fruit or a vegetable" quite often, i mean surely there are more than five raisins in a Fruit and Nut. Cider is made from apples, crisps from spuds, peanuts (not dry roasted, they're made fom shite), in fact taking these into account, i'll see you at opening time.

world wide w*ank...

I've just made a website for my pappy. If you're interested in Soundproofing or acousticly treating anything, he's yer man. visit his frankly, amazing site by clicking on this voice associates link.

fuckin' woo

Sherri Moon

Darlene, don't take your mum to town...

I remember when i was about 10, I had a massive crush on Darlene from Roseanne. There was something about that dusky lesbian in a check shirt and levi's 501s that stirred somthing in me. Maybe it was the dry sense of humour, or the bubble perm but whatever it was it showed me that redneck girs rock, this has stuck with me until now.
It started off fairly innocently, a little dolly parton a little Coors, daisy duke playing pool with some drunk trucker from reno, then whuppin his ass when he grabs her arse as she takes a shot.
Before too long i was drinking JD with Christina Aguilera, drink driving my way across the south with some stolen credit cards and big sunglasses.
These days i'm too busy taking pot shots at the local god botherers and livestock with Sherri Moon and Gauge to be bothered to watch Roseanne. We make our own moonshine and place bets on how many BBQ chitlins cousin earl can eat without hurling. It's a simple life, we mostly just spend our days kickin round in the yard, makin' out an inbreedin. I don't got no teevee but y'all know that Darlene's still hotter than fire ant juice in the vaseline. And remember, as my uncle Silas used to say 'Northern girls tease but southern girls please' *hyuk*

The Porg Conspiracy...

If anyone needed any artwork done for their death-metal band , RPG, horror movie, backdrop etc I reckon they'd do a lot worse than giving Ben a call, check out his website ThePorg.org
for a butchers into his odd brain.

I met this bloke on the train today. He said his name was Dave. I was slightly suspicous of him at first. I'm always slightly wary of alliteration.

Dave reckoned he'd had the worst new years eve of his life. His bitch, Bonnie had promised him a new years eve to remember. she was a choosy kind of gal, not the type to fetch the stick on the first date if you get my drift. Anyway, Dave had been looking forward to this for months, he'd had a bath, got his teeth nice and shiny he'd even got himself wormed for the occasion. Anyway a couple of days ago Dave was just getting ready to go outside and bark at something when his master says to him,

'Walkies! C'mon Dave, back of the car!'

Dave's like, "great! A nice long christmas walk in the country!" How wrong he was. Before too long he realises they're not on the A1-whatever out of town and he's like, "hey this ain't the A1-whatever out of town!" Before too long his master parks his Volvo up outside this really grey, imposing looking building right , Dave's like "where the hell's this, this ain't the countryside!" He gets inside and there's this old lady, she smiles at him and says he's a good boy. Patronising i know but Dave says you get used to it when you're a dog. Next he's in this little green room with this friendly looking guy in a white coat.

Dave opens his eyes, he felt like shit. remembers being carried out to the volvo and feeling even worse. the car journey home was a blur and the next thing he knows he's on his bed dozing like and old man after medication time.

Dave wakes up, he's got this pain you know, in his balls, he looks down and sees he don't have no balls, He's been neutered, spayed, sterilised his bollocks had been removed. Dave felt sick you know, he'd heard storys about his happening but...

Bonnie!

Needless to say she wasn't interested, within two days she'd hooked up with one of Daves mates Sammy, the Spaniel from the darts team. Slimy bastard, he'd been hovering around like a lawyer at a train crash for weeks waiting to get his teeth into Bonnie.

Anyway here was Dave, on the train down to Brighton still clutching the chocolates he'd bought for Bonnie. His plan was to start a flea-circus, always a puppyhood dream of his. He said it was handy since he'd never had fleas until recently. although, come to think of it, that Sammy, he was always scratching himself.

Fackin Christmuz...

Ok well looking at my calender I reckon its about time for a seasonal rant about the commercial fiasco that is Christmas. Thats what you'd think, but despite what you might have heard i do have an original bone in my body and i'm well aware that every two bit tv-guide hack and blogger is going to be on this one this week. So here's a picture of an incredibly cute squirrel instead.

Oh my god look at it's EARS for fux sake!

Aside from typing swear words in Google images and seeing what comes up (see below for my fave) I've been getting in the festive spirit by watching ludicrous amounts of daytime tv and drinking brandy coffee for breakfast. this is of course to avoid the horrors of town (here in Maidenhead this week) which is bloody awful at the best of times let alone at this time of year. and the warming properties of brandy make Fern and Phillip even better!

Merry Fackin' Chriztmuz!

..

Some old photos of Brighton...

The palace pier.

The west pier in a storm.

A Nouveau postcard

Some 70s wronguns smashing a piano on the level.

Playmobil Jakey!

I swear on my grave this is real! I'm sure i would have greatly benefitted of playing with more alcoholics as a child (excluding family members of course).

I love the way the copper's evicting the poor bastard with a sword! He may be a Prussian officer engaged in a little ethnic cleansing i suppose.

I have not managed to write this blog for some time as i have been resigned to using internet cafes and the hallowed eaves of brighton uni, formally polytechnic, for my internet access. Also i have better things to do that write crap on the interweb. I can't remember what hese things are right now but i'm sure thay wil come. I can't imagine that any readers will give an enormous fuck about this but i feel i should be making more of an effort.

Anyway grovelling aside if anyone can come up with any other bizarre toys, Duplo hoookers, Lego crackheads or anything, keep it to yourself eh.

X